I cried at my grandfather’s funeral, mourning not for the loss of life, but for precious memories that were never formed and infinitely severed ties between myself and my history
Now, a grown product of a man with different baby mommas, who 30 years later still blames our disconnect on, baby momma drama
Toward him I really desired to feel hate, I looked for it behind every broken promise, every unreplied text or ignored call, sometimes I wish to have never loved him at all
To find like many others, solace in, ‘I can’t miss what I never really had,’ but instead of having just a father, I wanted a dad
To him I forgave for walking away to claim kids that he did not even experience the pleasure of creating while leaving my heart begging, praying and waiting for a love that should have been rightfully mine, an act summed up as another waste of time
What’s greater, the intensity of love or the bondage of hate? Or to create a child with no desire to participate?
As roots take place and grow, becoming one day un-remorsed and unable to be controlled a vicious cycle- only imagining the unknown
Based on the physics of a present reality, creating in the mind a possibility, a might have been, or a maybe,
I could be the descendant of a slave or perhaps from the line of a builder of the Panama Canal
But some things I’ve resolved to never know
While some may struggle with how to express a feeling or feelings, you have transcribed your feelings enough for us to not only know, but also connect with your emotions. You are an awesome writer.
And that is my goal. Thank you Natlee. I am an encouraged writer because of your response.